Closer Than I Thought
by Anjirika
Summary: As her world is destroyed and all she cares about goes up in flames, Elizabeth thinks about the choices she has made and the people she has become close to. –Spoilers for FIRST STRIKE- written before the episode aired PLZ R


Closer than I thought….

The gateroom exploded and as Elizabeth was thrown across the room, landing precariously close to a broken window, she thought back to that fateful Sunday what had taught her many things….

She learned that getting involved with someone was far too dangerous; the fiasco with Mike was proof enough of that but when her bad day turned worse and Carson was snatched so quickly from them she realised, to her horror that she had gotten close, far too close to a great many people under her command.

After the funeral of Carson when the majority of her flagship team was on Earth she reviewed the past two years and found that she had formed a close friendship with Teyla, a humorous almost 'mother' like role with Rodney, a silent understanding with the equally silent Ronan and….

'John…'

His name floated across her name as she rolled over in pain, her ears hearing the sounds of panic and confusion all around her. Lt. Colonel Sheppard had quickly become an integral person in Atlantis. He shouldered the responsibility of Atlantis Military Commander and in the process he made friends with his team.

For two years they went through the gate and although they went through a myriad of disasters they had stuck with each other and to Elizabeth's dismay she had somehow been sucked into their friendships as well. However, there was always something different from Lt. Colonel Sheppard where Elizabeth was concerned. Right from the very beginning he affected her in a way that she hadn't thought possible….

'I found myself falling in love with him…'

Elizabeth had thought to herself as they returned from Earth. The thought had frightened her and she had made the conscious decision to distance herself from him especially. She figured that if she ever lost him, it would be easier to take if he was just a Lt. Colonel then John.

But that's not what happened…..

"Elizabeth!"

His voice rose above the chaos and broke through Elizabeth's musings. She heard him call again and again and the pain and worry and desperation in his voice made her heart break. And with her heart breaking, she gathered what little strength she had left and tried to call out to him.

"J-John…"

Her voice was barely more than a whisper, but some how he had heard her and he was instantly at her side, cradling her broken body. He brushed some locks of her hair out of her bloody face and looked down at her with pain in his eyes.

"God Elizabeth…" He breathed, trying to get his own shaking under control "…what happened?"

"I- I don't know…" She whispered, shaking her head slightly, but even that slight movement causing a wave of pain to wash over her already fragile body. "…one moment I was walking to my office, the next I was here…."

"We think that it was sabotage…" John explained quickly, shifting positions slightly so that her upper body was resting against his chest. "…we think an Asuran infiltrated Atlantis…"

"Th…that would explain a lot of things…" Elizabeth answered slowly, her eyes closing slightly- a fact that John noticed instantly.

"Hey now," He chastised, the level of fear in his voice rising about 1000. "-you can't fall asleep on me…we're going to get you to the infirmary and you're-"

"J..John…?"

"Yes Elizabeth?" He asked looking down into her eyes, seeing how full of pain and regret they were.

"I don't think-"

"Don't think!" He ordered, tightening his grip slightly. "You always think too much. You need to rest. The doctor will be here soon…"

"John…" Elizabeth interrupted, gathering her strength to tell him something vitally important. "…I need to tell you something."

"You can tell me later," John ordered softly, tears coming to his eyes as his heart and mind realised that he was losing her.

"No John…" She whispered quietly as she raised her hand to brush it against John's cheek. "…I need to tell you now."

"What is it?" John asked, his voice shaking as he tried to keep his tears at bay, knowing that he had to stay strong for her sake.

"I just-" Her admission was broken by another wave of pain, and as John cradled her while it passed he angrily wondered what was taking the med team so long. "-I have to tell you…"

"What?" John asked, grabbing her hand and holding it tight. "What do you have to tell me?"

"How…how sorry I am…"

"Sorry?" John asked in shock, his eyes going wide. "What do you have to be sorry about?"

"I've been pushing you away." Elizabeth explained quietly, taking a breath before continuing. "Since Carson I…"

"No-" John interrupted as another wave of pain crashed over her. "-no you didn't push me away-"

"I did…" Elizabeth argued looking up into John's eyes, seeing that they mirrored her own. "…I did…."

"Elizabeth-"

"Listen to me John-" She pleaded, knowing that her time was running out. "-since Carson died I just….I thought that it would be better if I didn't form any relationships with anyone under my command…I thought that it would make losing you-any of you easier…." She shivered and smiled inwardly as John pulled her closer to him. "…but I forgot something…"

"What did you forget?" John asked quietly, a stray tear leaking out his eye.

"I forgot how much you all meant to me…." Elizabeth exclaimed as she held John's hand tight, tears in her own eyes now. "…I forgot how close to you all I was….closer than I thought…"

"Elizabeth-"

"I just…" Elizabeth interrupted, closing her eyes for a moment, trying to fight the wave of pain that was constantly flowing through her. "…I always wanted to be a member of your team…."

"You've always been a member of our team…" John comforted trying to smile. "…and you've always been our friend….my friend…."

"You don't understand…" Elizabeth cried as she caressed John's cheek once more. "…I wanted to be more than friends with…."

"With who…?" John asked, blinking away his tears and he fought the panic that was rising in his chest.

"…with you…"

And with that she was gone….she had lost consiousness...leaving John shocked, scared and full of pain. With nothing he could do, he just held her- wishing that she had shared that revelation with him sooner. He had come to the same conclusion weeks ago but he never found the right time or situation to bring it up in- and now it was too late. She was gone, forever….and all John could do was pray that this wasn't the end for them.

After all, all along they had been closer than either of them thought….

* * *

A/N- What can I say? Elizabeth's being reduced to reccuring...TPTB are offically doing their best to kill Sparky...so I thought that I'd kill it in style... although no she's not dead but she might as well be. TPTB are going to phase her out just like they did to Ford... sigh

Please Review- let me know what you think


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